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DATA311(Alan)
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« on: May 29, 2009, 11:56:48 PM » |
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A Breath Of Fresh Air.
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My Profile.Gary=The Tidalwave.
i was a test tube baby,so my starsign is Pyrex.
my family were so poor,my mother used to go down to the Butchers Shop,and buy half a leg of lamb,with the head still attached,so it would see us through the week"
we could not afford shoes,so we painted our feet,and laced our toes together.
all of my friends had a yoyo to play with,my father could only afford to buy me a yo.
i left school with two qualifications,Biology,and Metalwork,so if anyone has a cat that needs welding,give me a call.
my first job was as a labourer,the foreman said to me,can you make tea.?,i said yes i can,he said can you drive a forklift truck.?.
i said to him,how big is the teapot.?
i went for a job vacancy for mudflaps,the notice read, must be flexible and willing to travel.
i was a vision technician for 2 weeks,thats a window cleaner by the way.
i also became an artist for the government,i was drawing benefit for 6 weeks"
my current job is a road sweeper,an easy job as you just pick it up as you go along.
i have 2 children,a little boy six,and a little girl seven,
silly names for children,but that was the wifes idea.
i remember my first date,my girlfriend would not stop moaning all the way through it.
how was i supposed to know that Mcdonalds stopped serving breakfast at 11.o clock"
when we went on our Honeymoon,we stayed in a little boarding house,should have been boarded up"
the sign read £25.00 a night bed and board,thats what the bed was,a board.
i pulled the bed away from the wall,and a mouse pulled it back again"
i tell you how bad it was,the last visitor was in 1769.
all the flowers on the wallpaper were dead.
all of the arms on the chairs had tattoo,s,some were even spelt correctly.
on the Restaurant menu,broken leg of lamb.
i said to the chef,this food is not cooked properly.
my shepards pie has rounded up the lamb chops and moved them off of my plate.
i looked in the kitchen,and saw a cockroach trying to get the lid off of the indigestion tablets.
the only place i know off where the dustbins have Ulcers.
trying to be subtle,when the enemy,ooppps,i mean the other half is no more than 10 feet away,is a hard task.LOL
i am not saying that she is a bad cook,but last night she cooked beans on toast,it took her 2 hours to scoop the beans out of the toaster.
i fancied an Omlette ,the other night for supper.
so she got out the cookbook,and followed the instructions.
it read as follows,first seperate 3 eggs.
she put one egg in the bedroom,one egg in the bathroom,and a third egg in the garden"
she woke me up at 2.o clock this morning,shouting out that someone had dumped a yellow convertable in the front drive,and stolen the wheels off of it.
i said to her,the thing is called a Skip"
she went on a television game show last week,and won an around the world cruise,she said to the presenter,can't i go somewhere else on holiday instead"
but she should just be getting on the plane about this time,
no she is not flying anywhere,she is taking 2 inches off of the kitchen door"
I went Christmas Shopping today in London.
i walked in to Harrods in Knightsbridge,went up to the counter and said to the woman assistant,Can you show me something for £10 please.?
the woman assistant said,certainly sir i can show you something for £10,and pointed to the way out"
i finally bought a ladies fountain pen,and as the woman was wrapping it up for me,she said,is this a little surprise for the wife.?
i said to her,it's a big surprise,she was expecting a new car"
i have finally discovered where the famous film,The Good,The Bad and The Ugly,recieved it's title.
it was in Mcdonalds at lunchtime.
The Good,the picture of the juicy hamburger on display.
The Bad.,the actual burger that you recieve over the counter.
The Ugly,trying to ask for your money back"
I hate D.I.Y,
i went to Wickes D.I.Y superstore today to buy a new wardrobe.and i tell you something,never trick yourself in to believing that what you see is what you are getting.
this wardrobe looked superb in the showroom,so i queued up and paid for it,and then waited outside by the loading bay.20 minutes later i was handed a flatpack and a bag of handles.
after putting it together at home,i found out that i am the proud owner of a Bedroom Shed,it has a little green felt roof,and all of my clothes now stink of Cuprinol wood preserver.
i went in to the Post Office today and i said to the Assistant,do you keep Stationary.?
the assistant said,no i do not keep stationary,i have to keep walking up and down to keep warm."
so i jumped on the London Underground to go up west to do my shopping,i know all cities have Sewers,but we must be the only country that puts trains in them"
i walked into Sainsbury,and i have often wondered why they put a Sell By Date on Sour Cream.?
Recycled Toilet Paper,how do they get hold of it,do they have some man down the drain with a fishing net.?
There are some signs,that you just read ,and move on going about your daily business,and there are other signs that you read and take them as serious.
the best example was a sign i saw today that read,Dogs must be carried at all times on the Escalators,
3 hours i spent looking for a dog,but i could not find one anywhere."
my doctor is a really strange man,and i wonder if he is the one who needs treatment of some kind.
examples of my visits below,
i walked in to his surgery and he said to me,i have not seen you for a long time.?
i said to him,that's because i have not been ill for a long time"
i stood on the scales,because he thought that i might be overweight,and he asked me,what is the lightest that you have weighed.?
i said to him,7lb-3ozs"
i said to him,i have broken my arm in three places,he said,do not go to those places in the future"
when i had a bad cough,he said to me,walk over to the window and stick your tongue out,i said to him,what for.?
he said because i do not like the man across the street"
he then asked me to get down on all fours,and crawl around the room,i asked him,what for.?
he said,because i am having a new table delivered,and i cannot decide where to put it.
and i have finally found out why you cannot read the doctors writing on the prescriptions that you get.
it is because it is a secret code between the doctor and the chemist,which reads,i have made my money,now you can make yours"
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